As a slight twist, and in order that my demise may achieve something other than the destruction of said chariot, I have today purchased the strap-on wings that that fellow used recently to freefall across the English Channel. My plan is simple, but I think you'll agree, quite effective.

At precisely 8pm North Lincolnshire Meantime, I shall climb to the top of the south stanchion of the Humber Bridge watched by the assembled musicians of Barton upon Humber. KJ, Skipjack and Bloke in the corner can be my witnesses to ensure that the operation is carried out under sterile conditions, and my entry into the Barton Book of Records will be secured for all eternity. Oakley has supplied pyrotechnics as used by the Purple Helmets Bicycle Display Team to make the proceedings more spectacular.

At precisely 8.15pm, wind conditions prevailing, I shall leap fearlessly from the stanchion, and skillfully angle my descent northwards, across the Humber Estuary, trailing purple and green smoke, directly at the three foot target my trusty second will have painted on the side of Smallplonker's chariot, whilst hollering at the top of my voice "THIS ONE'S FOR BIG BIIIIIIIRD...I LUUUURVED YOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!!!!!" At 8.15 and 8 seconds, by my calculations, said chariot will be spread all over the car park, and I will be immortalised as the first man to fly unpowered across the Humber Estuary. I will finally have achieved something in my pitiful life, and all those who have belittled me in the past will have to eat their words.

So there. I hope you're proud of yourselves.