If I indulge in courting, I shall do it somewhere other than the kitchen.

No matter who invites me to the ball, you won't catch me spending six months learning the steps.

If I am handed anything warlike by a recruiting sergeant, be it musket, tin hat, or so much as a round badge for my hat, you will see a blur where I was standing. Thank you, I'd rather keep hold of all of my anatomy, and no doubt any loved ones would like me intact too. Disclaimer; does not apply if one's cousin is called Arthur McBride.

If going to a wake, ensure the centre of attention is really dead. (No, I meant proper medical checks, not a stake through the heart). Whisky is too expensive to waste.