Small, concerned figure enters, wearing large raincoat covering bulky object. Moves past jello pit, Guiness tank, World Wrestling Federation cappuccino dispenser, towards the dark part of the bar. Sits down, watches mayhem in the distance, sighs. Digs into pocket, pulls out pencil. Writes on cocktail napkin 3 times in block letters: Yearn While You Earn?
Takes off raincoat revealing SAD-O-METRIC EXERCISER. Places Exerciser on table, pulls out wrench and hammer. Goes to work. 5 minutes later, smiles. "That should do it!" Looks around, Saturday crowd. "Let's try a 6.5." Adjusts dial, presses button. Machine whirrs into action. Drawer opens, picture of Eddy Arnold appears. Music begins:

"You give your hand to me and then you say hello
and I can hardly speak
My heart is beating so
And anyone could tell
you think you know me well
but you don't know me."

Outside passersby begin to glance at their wrists. Business men strolling over suspension bridges eye the distance to the water. A partial eclipse of the sun begins.

"No you don't know the one who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips and longs to hold you tight
I'm just a friend that's all I've ever been
But you don't know me."

In small apartments, women turn their mirrors to the wall. Traffic slows to accommodate non-existent funerals. In the tavern, the SADOMETRIC machine begins to whimper. The small, concerned figure says: "Let's try 7." and turns dial. Picture of Eddy Arnold replaced by picture of Emmy Lou Harris. Voice shifts into aching, exquisite stratospheric grief.

"For I never knew the art of making love
Though my heart aches with love for you
Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by
The chance that you might love me too."

The sun is completely dark. Birds trail tears as they fly. The arms of chairs wrap around themselves in pain. Drinks order other drinks to try and forget. The SAD-O-METRIC exerciser shudders in heart-rending grief, but continues:

"You give your hand to me and then you say goodbye
I watch you walk away and in my heart I cry
You'll never never know the one who loves you so cause you don't know me."

Hushed global weeping. Unbroken silence. Broken silence. Moment of embarrassment. Furniture pulls itself together again. Jello reconstitutes itself. Splashing begins again in various jacuzzis. Small concerned figure smiles to self, puts machine back under raincoat.

"Oh, Miss bbc, ma'am, could I have a soda water, please?"