From the BBC Radio show, "I'm sorry, I haven't a clue", announcing the late arrivals at the clergymens' ball:

Will you please welcome Mr. and Mrs. Meek. And their saintly son, Blessed Arthur Meek.

Pray be upstanding for the Honourable Ismay-Shepherd. And his father, the Lord Ismay-Shepherd.



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Perhaps just a trifle off-colour:


A vicar goes to his curate, and asks, "You haven't seen my bicycle have you ? I can't think where it might have gone."

"No, your Reverance. Perhaps it has been stolen."

"Oh, I surely hope not. But if someone has taken it, how shall I find out ?"

"Well your Reverence, for your next sermon, preach on the Ten Commandments. When you get to the eighth, 'Thou shalt not steal', look at the congregation, and if anyone looks uncomfortable, that surely is your culprit."

So, next Sunday, the vicar preaches on the Ten Commandments. He begins in fine style, but then falters before he gets to the eighth, and the sermon ends rather lamely. After the service, the curate approaches the vicar.

"What happened, your Reverence ? Were you taken ill ?"

"Not quite. I got to the seventh Commandment, 'Thou shalt not commit adultery'. And then I remembered where I left the bicyle."


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A clergyman goes on a golf course. He isn't a great player but is hacking his way around in his own style. A man standing at one of the tees looks at his efforts and says, "May I suggest something, Padre ? If you move your right hand further up the handle, and bend your left elbow more, you won't slice the ball". The clergyman does as he suggests, and finds that he hits the ball straight for the first time. He carries on, the stranger follows him, offering useful advice at intervals. Finally they reach the nineteenth.

"Thank you for your help. I'm sure my play has improved", says the clergyman.

"Oh, think nothing of it Padre. And by the way, that will be fifty pounds. You see, I'm the Club Professional."

"I see. Well, I don't have that sum of money on me, but if you are here next week, I'll bring it then. Or, I could pay you in kind."

"How would you do that, Padre ?"

"Bring your mother and father. I'll marry them for you."