In response to any useless information: That and a dollar will buy you a cup of coffee. (OK, it was 25cents when I first heard it, but you have to adjust for inflation).

a variation on one mentioned above: When they passed out brains, he thought they said "trains", so he asked for HO scale.

When they passed out looks, he thought they said "Books" so he said "GIve me a funny one".

From a Tennessee friend concerning speed: Faster than you can pull a greasy string out of a cat's ass.