The Official Guide to Being a Good Republican - The Talking Points

1. Co-Opt God into absolutely everything you say and do. If people believe that God is on your side, then more likely they will support you. Also stress that Democrats do not believe in God, and if elected, they will try to ban God all together. Always remember to use God's name often. Example of how to deliver bad news to your constituents: "This legislation that cut millions of dollars from [insert social program here] was God's will!" -- Smile often and make a "possessed" body movement so people will think that God is speaking through you, reaffirming the impression that you, and only your party, can do God's will.

2. Always stick to the "official" story. Independent statements and thoughts are what get people into trouble. If you don't know the official story, check with Newsmax, FOX, or the Washington Times for updates. Don't run your yap!! The truth may get out and we don't want to have to start explaining things!

3. George W. Bush has been and will be America's ONLY president. Tell everyone you meet, and speak it as if it were told to you by God himself. If people start getting around to thinking that there could be a president other than George W. Bush . . . Well let's not think about that. Also remember to remind people that EVERYONE got to vote in Florida during the 2000 presidential election, and all of that stuff about Katherine Harris was made up by the liberal media. (See Below)

4. All media is liberal lies! Especially the New York Times, the Washington Post , and NBC. The only REAL news comes from FOX. Remember to pepper your comments with statements like, "Katie Couric wants everyone to wear a Mao Jacket!" or "Dan Rather is an atheist!" -- These are statements that cannot be proved or disproved; therefore no one can ever accuse you of lying. If you say them often, proudly, and as if God told you himself, people will believe you.

5. Michael Moore is the anti-Christ. In fact, the reason he always wears a baseball cap is to hide the three sixes on his head. Remember to tell everyone that Bowling for Columbine is a work of complete fiction and only won the Academy Award for Best Documentary because of the liberals in Hollywood. Also remember to remind people that Hillary Clinton is in cahoots with Michael Moore to make America a socialist country, and to take away your guns.

6. Hillary Clinton wants to take away your guns. Remind everyone that Bill and Hillary Clinton hate democracy, hate America, and hate your guns. That should be enough to convince whomever you are talking to that the Clintons really suck, and if you ever want to have a gun on you, whenever that mugging you are so worried about actually occurs, you had better hate the Clintons, too.

7. Clintons Part Two -- All Bill Clinton ever did was have sex, sex, and more sex. While it is partly true, don't let anyone try and Slide things like "Balanced Budget" or "Eight years of peace and prosperity" by you. Tell people that it was the Republicans that kept terrorists in check by spending millions of dollars investigating sex, sex, and more sex.