From the brilliant book "Graffiti II" by Nigel Rees, 1980 Unwin Paperbacks, London.
In the beginning was the word. And the word was Aardvark.
I couldn't care less about apathy.
If you see an unattended bag --- go up and talk to her.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Men call us birds. Is that why we pick up worms?
Bisexual man, aged 30, seeks married couple.
Someday my boat will come in - and with my luck I'll be at the airport.
Blessed Mary, we believe that without sin thou did conceive. Holy Virgin, thus believing, may we sin without conceiving?
Bo Peep did it for the insurance.
"British Rail advise that the thus right of way is not dedicated to the public." --- neither is British Rail
Come the revolution, British rail will be the first to go --- if they arrive on time.
Jesus shaves. (on Gillette ad)
Chelsea are magic. Watch them disappear from the First Division.
Constipation is the thief of time. Diarrhoea waits for no man.
Save fuel. Get cremated with a friend.
Nationalise crime and make sure it doesn't pay.
George Davis is innos (scratched out) innoss (again scratched out) guilty.
Keep death off the roads. Drive on the pavement.
Death is hereditary.
Graffiti should be obscene and not heard.
Easter is cancelled this year. They've found the body.
So is Christmas. They've found the father.
Avoid the end-of-year rush --- fail your exams now.
I have nothing no declare but my genes.
If you feel strongly about graffiti, sign a partition.
God made animals, great and small. Some that slither and some that crawl. The Rochester police employ them all.
The hangman let us down.
Let's keep incest in the family.
"Due to industrial action this toilet will be closed all day on Monday." --- please do all you can today.
My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours.
How Labour will cope. (notice on election poster) --- Next week: how to nail jelly to the ceiling.
I wanted to be a judge but they found out that my parents were married. (found in a jail cell)
Definition of a lecture: a means of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the student without passing through the minds of either. (found at Warwick University)
"80% of Bishops take The Times." --- The other 20% buy it.
He may have hairs on his chest but, sister, so has Lassie.
Richard the Lionheart is alive and well and asking Christian Barnard for his money back.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
"The first three minutes of life are the most dangerous." (notice in hospital) --- The last three minutes can be pretty dodgy too.
"Do not use lift in case of fire." --- just jump.
"Warning: passengers are requested not to cross the lines." (at railway station) --- it takes hours to untangle them afterwards.
Lions 7, Christians 0.
Until I discovered women, I thought love was a pain up the arse.
"Make love not war." --- I'm married. I do both.
Lord Lucan was here. --- No, I wasn't.
Designed by computer. Silenced by laser. Built by robot. (Fiat ad) --- Driven by moron.
Monkey is the route to all people.
Free Collective Bargaining -- he's innocent.
Mickey Mouse is a rat.
I've half a mind to join the National Front. That's all I'll need.
God is not dead. Merely out to lunch.
"Nothing acts faster than anadin." --- then take nothing instead
Oral sex is a matter of taste.
Where is Lee Harvey Oswald now that his country needs him? (during Watergate)
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the perfomance. (in gents' loo)
"A phone call. It costs less than you think." --- Pretty soon it will cost more than you believe.
How do you tell the sex of a chromosome? By taking down its genes.
The only safe fast breeder is a rabbit. Say No to nuclear power.
Reincarnation is making a comeback. -- over my dead body.
"In 1066, near this church, the Normans landed and were repelled by the men of Romney." (on notice, Romney parish church) --- So am I
"There's a shortage of girls at Oxford." --- I don't care how short they are, there just aren't enough of them.
It begins when you sink into his arms and ends with your arms in his sink.
Smile, they said, life could be worse. So I did, and it was.
"Found: one pair of glasses." --- please write larger, I've lost my glasses.
"The Rev Charles Spurgeon departed for heaven at 6.30 am today." --- 10.45 am. Not yet arrived. Getting anxious. Peter.
Don't flatter yourself. Stand closer. (in gents' toilet)
Ignore this sign.
"Please don't write on walls." --- You want maybe we should type?
"Margaret Thatcher should be P.M." --- Yes, Permanently Muzzled.
Never mind the Titanic, is there any news of the iceberg?
Owing to lack of interest, tomorrow has been cancelled.
Racism is a pigment of the imagination.
May all your ups and downs be in bed.
Yea, though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the biggest son-of-a-bitch in the valley.
But for venetian blinds it would be curtains for all of us.
Schrodinger rules the waves.
"Free Women." --- where?
Can we have a new wall? (at foot of graffiti-strewn wall)