1. If I had a wayward son I would never visit him in jail bearing only a smile. Come to think of it I would realise that I drove him to crime by smiling silently at him all his life.

2. I will most definitely not go away shearing with you Willie to wait on you hand and foot - especially in regard to washing your dirty moleskins. Ramstack mutton doesn't sound much chop either.

3. If a lady dressed in green, whose garden my ball had just landed in, were to offer me my ball back, an apple, a cherry, and a gay (or otherwise), gold ring, I would immediatly disown the ball and run away very, very fast.

4. If Johnny went to the fair without me, and promised to buy me off with a bunch of blue (or any other coloured) ribbons AND was late home I would question our relationship.

5. If the Bathroom/toilet/dunny/loo door was locked from the inside for days and days I would know that there were three old ladies in there and not be wondering about it.