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"Silent E"
This song was written for the PBS children's show "The Electric Company" in
1971. It appeared on an album of songs from "The Electric Company" in
stereo. It appears in mono as a bonus track on the CD of Tom Lehrer
Revisited.

Who can turn a can into a cane?
Who can turn a pan into a pane?
It's not too hard to see,
It's Silent E.

Who can turn a cub into a cube?
Who can turn a tub into a tube?
It's elementary
For Silent E.

He took a pin and turned it into a pine.
He took a twin and turned him into twine.

Who can turn a cap into a cape?
Who can turn a tap into a tape?
A little glob becomes a globe instantly,
If you just add Silent E.

He turned a dam - Alikazam! - into a dame.
But my friend Sam stayed just the same.

Who can turn a man into a mane?
Who can turn a van into a vane?
A little hug becomes huge instantly.
Don't add W, Don't add X, And don't add Y or Z,
Just add Silent E.


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"L-Y"
This song was written for "The Electric Company" TV show in 1972, but was
never released on record until it showed up in 1990 as a bonus track on the
CD of Tom Lehrer Revisited (in mono).

You're wearing your squeaky shoes,
And right there taking a snooze
Is a tiger, so how do you walk on by?
[loud whisper]
Silently, silently, Silent L.Y.

You're a secret agent man
Who's after the secret plan.
How do you act so they don't know you're a spy?
[acting suspiciously]
Normally [whistle], normally [whistle], Normal L.Y.

At an eating contest you boast
That you can eat the most.
How do you down your fiftieth piece of pie?
[nauseated]
Eagerly (ugh!), eagerly (yech!), Eager L.Y.

On the lake your boat upset,
And your clothes got soaking wet.
How do you stand and wait for them to dry?
[shivering]
D-d-d-d-d-d-patiently, D-d-d-d-d-d-patiently, D-d-d-d-d-d-patient L.Y.

In the public library
You fall and hurt your knee.
But the sign says QUIET PLEASE, so how can you cry?
[crying]
Quietly [sniff], quietly [sniff], Quiet L.Y.

As you walk along the street
A porcupine you meet.
How do you shake his hand when he says "hi"?
[warily]
Ah, carefully, carefully, Careful L.Y.

You enter a very dark room,
And sitting there in the gloom
Is Dracula.
Now how do you say goodbye?
Immediately, immediately, Immediate L.Y.
Bye bye!


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"SN (Snore, Sniff & Sneeze)"
This was written for "The Electric Company" in 1972, but has yet to be
released. It was, however, aired on The Dr. Demento Show #98-36
(9-6-98).

Like a rooster loves a hen,
Like a lion loves his den,
Like Barbie loves Ken,
I love to do things that begin with S-N.
For example...

I love to sneeze. *a-choo*
Pardon me please. *a-choo*
I like to sniffle,
It really feels nice.
One handkerchief'll
Just never suffice.
But brother watch out for the breeze
When I sneeze.

I love to sniff. *sniff*
Just take a whiff. *sniff*
I also like snarling;
It feels good to me.
Snarling is darling,
I'm sure you'll agree.
But I'm even happier if
I can sniff, *sniff*
and sneeze. *a-choo*

I love to snore. *snore*
It's more like a roar. *snore*
I like to snooze;
I like resting my head.
I take off my shoes
And I snuggle in bed.
Sometjimes I just lie on the floor
And snore, *snore*
And sniff, *sniff*
And sneeze. *a-choo* *a-choo* *a-choo*

Sometimes I just like to snicker, tee hee,
Or snub any snob who is snotty to me.
And whenever I have a few moments to spend,
I can snoop on a neighbor or snitch on a friend.
But much more than any of these,
I love to snore and to sniff and to sneeze.
*snore* *sniff* *a-choo*
*snore* *sniff* *a-choo*
*snore* *sniff* *a-choo*
*snore* *sniff* *a-choo*
*snore*


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"There's A Delta For Every Epsilon" (Calypso)
Words and Music by Tom Lehrer
American Mathematical Monthly, 81 (1974) 612:

There's a delta for every epsilon,
It's a fact that you can always count upon.
There's a delta for every epsilon
        And now and again,
        There's also an N.

But one condition I must give:
The epsilon must be positive
A lonely life all the others live,
        In no theorem
        A delta for them.

How sad, how cruel, how tragic,
How pitiful, and other adjec-
Tives that I might mention.
The matter merits our attention.
If an epsilon is a hero,
Just because it is greater than zero,
It must be mighty discouragin'
To lie to the left of the origin.

This rank discrimination is not for us,
We must fight for an enlightened calculus,
Where epsilons all, both minus and plus,
        Have deltas
        To call their own.


********
"The Derivative Song"
Words by Tom Lehrer -- Tune: "There'll be Some Changes Made"
American Mathematical Monthly, 81 (1974) 490:

You take a function of x and you call it y,
Take any x-nought that you care to try,
You make a little change and call it delta x,
The corresponding change in y is what you find nex',
And then you take the quotient and now carefully
Send delta x to zero, and I think you'll see
That what the limit gives us, if our work all checks,
Is what we call dy/dx,
It's just dy/dx.


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"The Professor's Song"
Words by Tom Lehrer -- Tune: "If You Give Me Your Attention"
                        from _Princess Ida_ (Gilbert and Sullivan)
American Mathematical Monthly, 81 (1974) 745:

If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am.
I'm a brilliant math'matician -- also something of a ham.
I have tried for numerous degrees, in fact I've one of each;
Of course that makes me eminently qualified to teach.
I understand the subject matter thoroughly, it's true,
And I can't see why it isn't all as obvious to _you_.
Each lecture is a masterpiece, meticulously planned,
Yet everybody tells me that I'm hard to understand,
        And I can't think why.

My diagrams are models of true art, you must agree,
And my handwriting is famous for its legibility.
Take a word like "minimum" (to choose a random word),
        {This was performed at a blackboard, and the professor wrote:
        /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/}
For anyone to say he cannot read that, is absurd.
The anecdotes I tell get more amusing every year,
Though frankly, what they go to prove is sometimes less than clear,
And all my explanations are quite lucid, I am sure,
Yet everybody tells me that my lectures are obscure,
        And I can't think why.

Consider, for example, just the force of gravity:
It's inversely proportional to something -- let me see --
It's r^3 -- no, r^2 -- no, it's just r, I'll bet --
The sign in front is plus -- or is it minus, I forget --
Well, anyway, there _is_ a force, of that there is no doubt.
All these formulas are trivial if you only think them out.
Yet students tell me, "I have memorized the whole year through
Ev'rything you've told us, but the problems I can't do."
        And I can't think why!