Well Sins I can't contribute any positive remedies, and being a mere male I can't imagine how much pain you are in, but I can send you good vibes to help you feel better. I must admit that my first reaction was similar to Spaws', but I managed to supress the impulse. Then I remembered from a long time back the pain that a girl friend of mine was in just after the birth of her baby, when she did a very passible imitation of an over producing milk-bar. I remember the feeling of helplessness as she suffered that pain.
Still it's only just after 7 am over there, and a new day is starting, which I hope finds you feeling more comfortable. Remember if the cabbage doesn't work you can always make sauerkraut with it.
John