Whatever you do Fib, don't give that Skip E-Wing £57, otherwise someone will post with an amusing name, using exclamation marks and bold type. I have just prodded Ripper - the most promising of the wrestling whelks. What a difference a bit of carbo and tartrazene can make! Fiesty and aggressive with a deft and damaging touch of the foot. At this rate, entrants may have to sign a disclaimer.

Oi! Dave Bryant, I can assure you there is nothing reverse-spiral about my whelks. This sort of thing may be ok in Walton-on-the-Hyphens, but this is the north, where a spiral only goes in one direction. Such accusations, across a crowded bar would end in the premature demise of a pint pot, a hasty evacuation of the premises, bloodshed, an ambulance and handshakes in the morning.

'appen.