Just received a letter from my friend Tom, in response to a bit of begging:

Hello *****,

I've got Don Freed's blessing re. my adaptation of his song. Herewith are his lyric, followed by mine. You'll note that the first and last verses are completely new and several changes to the other verses, to make them a bit more "family friendly" and bring in the actual prostheses, which Don never mentioned. Enjoy!

BEING A PIRATE
(Words & music: Don Freed)

Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses an eye,
It hurts like the blazes, it makes you make faces,
You can't let your mates see you cry.
Life's seems two-dimensional, quite un-conventional,
No bleeding need to ask why,
Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses an eye.

Chorus: It's all part of being a pirate,
You can't be a pirate (You can't be! You can't be!) with all of your parts,
It's all part of being a pirate,
You can't be a pirate (You can't be a pirate!) with all of your parts.

Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses their hand,
It squirts and it spurts and it bloody well hurts,
Turn you blue I'll have you understand,
It makes you feel cruddy, the day when somebody,
Gives you a brand new baby-grand,
Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses their hand.

Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses a leg,
It hurts like the dickens, your pace never quickens,
While hopping around on a peg,
So all of you prancers and flamenco dancers,
Can bloody well go suck an egg,
Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses a leg.

It makes me quite irate- it hardly seems fair,
You can't be a pirate if you are all there!


And now my version:


BEING A PIRATE
(Words & music: Don Freed. ©1985)
(New words and arrangement: Tom Lewis. ©2003)

Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses an ear,
It drips down your neck then it falls on the deck,
'Til someone shouts: "Oy! What's this 'ere?".
You can't wear your glasses, you can't 'pull' the lasses,
And folks have to shout so you'll hear,
Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses an ear.

Chorus: It's all part of being a pirate (A pirate! A pirate!),
You can't be a pirate with all of your parts,
It's all part of being a pirate (A pirate! A pirate!),
You can't be a pirate with all of your parts.

Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses an eye,
It stings like the blazes, it makes you make faces,
You can't let your mates see you cry.
A dashing black patch will cover the hatch,
And make sure your socket stays dry,
Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses an eye.

Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses a hand,
It squirts and it spurts and it jolly well hurts,
Pain only a pirate could stand,
The fashionable look is a nice metal hook
But then you can't play in the band.
Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses a hand.

Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses a leg,
It hurts like the dickens, your pace never quickens,
Hopping around on a peg,
Ask your sweetheart to marry, but too long you've tarried,
'Cos now you can't kneel down and beg,
Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses a leg.

Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses a 'wotsit',
Though you didn't choose it, you don't want to lose it,
You're hoping that somebody spots it,
Then the 'Doc' comes along and he sews it back on,
Or he ties it on tight – then he knots it!
Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses a 'wotsit'.

It makes me quite irate -
You can't be a pirate -
With all of your parts!


Cheers, T.

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