" Relationships are not primarily for what most people think they're for (to meet our needs and make us happy)...they are opportunities for rubbing off the rough edges in our own character by getting involved with people who irritate and stimulate those rough edges."

this moves in to the what you believe is what you get thread....

LH with respect i totally disagree with this statement, it assumes a lemming like drive towards being with someone for the wrong reasons.

I have had two defining relationships in my life. One was with a man who was charismatic, powerful, abusive and destructive. the relationship was volatile and unpleasant. luckily it only lasted five years, but it took another five years before i tried again.

the next person I got involved with was talented, gentle, intuitive and courteous. and, the intimate relationship was much more fulfilling with him than with the nasty guy. he wasn't afraid to love. we stayed together for 14 years, and during those 14 years our relationship was democratic and respectful.

one of the reasons i got involved with him, apart from the inital observation of affection and respect that his friends held him in, and the attraction, and our many interests in common, was because i knew i would be safe with him.

it was a good choice and gave us many happy years. we are still good friends and help each other out. our breakup was sad, carefully considered, but inevitable due to major life differences that developed. and no harsh words were spoken.

i will never again go into a rough edges relationship. and i know that it doesn't have to be like that. all it takes is mutual respect and acceptance.

respect is the biggest issue. to respect someone is everything.