I have a number of friends and acquaintances for whom the intimacy they once shared with their partners has all but vanished. In some cases it is even totally absent from the relationship. It isn't always the male partner (talking about heterosexual unions here, by the way) who seems to lose interest; but that does seem to be the more prevalent complaint that I have encountered. Certainly, this is a serious issue. The people who have discussed this with me are feeling extremely alienated and deprived. They cannot fathom what it is that might have brought this problem to manifest itself in their relationships. I am told that erectility problems are not the issue among these couples. It is more a matter of lack of desire.

In most instances the reduction in intimacy has diminished rather sharply – not totally of a sudden; but in just a matter of weeks things went from the usual level of activity to little or none. Sometimes, after a frank discussion, there has been a brief attempt at a reprieve; but then things reverted to the lower level of intimacy again.

Out of all these couples, I am happy to report that one was able to find and correct the problem to some degree. It came to light that one of the partners was using a medication for which diminished sex drive is a known side effect. Once this was addressed and a different medication was implemented, things seemed to improve for a time. Unfortunately, the change to the new medication seemed only to help for a couple of months and then the situation returned to its former state. Trying a different medication seems to be the next step.

I have been down this road. It was not a medication issue or an erectile problem. It was a lack of desire brought on by a combination of stresses. In my case it was due to the impact of exhaustion from working multiple jobs as well as the stresses of dealing with an unappreciative partner. Although we tried to work through the latter issue, the multiple jobs continued to take their toll in the form of a lack of energy as well as the logistical problems they created in terms of opportunity. After many years of this, the situation deteriorated toward the eventual divorce.

We were lucky in that at least we could readily identify the causes. Unfortunately, we were financially unable to eliminate one of them at all and in a way, it created other ones. Although it may be a possibility that similar stressors might be responsible in varying degrees for some of the dysfunction these friends are experiencing, they do not appear to be the main culprits.

I am not a clinician. I am just a friend. I find myself at a loss as to what to tell these people. Some of them are at the end of their tethers, having sought counseling as well as having attempted to refresh their relationships in various ways. And so I'm asking if you might have any suggestions for ways to renew this vital part of their lives.

Thanks!

Allan