Are Iraquis better off now? Hmmm.

Let's take it on a one-by-one basis. We are awaiting phone calls from Iraquis who will tell us if they feel better off now than they did before the American invasion.

RING!!!

Hello? Yes, go ahead...

"Hello. I am Saddam, and I..."

What? You're Saddam? You mean you are Saddam Hussein?

"No. I am Saddam Karami. I am a fruit seller in Basra."

Oh. Well, Mr Karami, do you feel better off now as an Iraqui?

"Yes and no."

Can you explain that?

"I am glad the Sunnis are out of power. This means that soon we can establish a Shi'ite administration and kill or drive out all the Sunnis, Kurds, Americans, British and other scum from Iraq."

I see. So you feel better off now?

"Well, no. I also cannot get fruit to sell and I lost 3 family members in the bombing and fighting of the war, and 2 more afterward due to more bombings and fightings. This is the fault of the Americans, the Kurds, the British, and the Sunnis. I will not rest until they all pay in blood for what they have done. Death to America!"

That caller has hung up, ladies and gentlemen. I think we have 1 vote for "not better off", but I'm not sure. Let's move on.

Hello?

"Hello. I am Saddam."

I think we already spoke to you.

"No. You didn't. This is Saddam."

Saddam who?

"Saddam Hussein, you idiot! Why do you think?"

Oh my goodness! We have the real Saddam himself this time, ladies and gentlemen! Where are you calling from, Mr Hussein?

"From my damned cell. Where do you think? They have provided me with a cell phone, so I could call in on your program."

Well, this is tremendously exciting! We are speaking live to the deposed dictator of Iraq, the Butcher of Baghdad himself, Saddam Hussein!!! Mr Hussein, do you feel better off after the American takeover of Iraq?

"Yes and no."

Could you elaborate on that, Mr Hussein?

"Yes. I feel worse off because I am no longer in power. Power is a nice thing to be in. It permits one to make many powerful decisions and I always liked doing that. I miss not being in power."

Well, I suppose that's understandable, Mr Hussein. But how do you feel better off now in Iraq?

"It's obvious isn't it? I can get a shave and shower every day. I sleep well at night. I get three good meals a day. I am dressing in clean clothes. I need not fear assassination attempts. I am relieved of the terrible burdens of command. My shoulders are not weighted down by the pressure of decision-making. I get to watch DVD's of 'Trailer Park Boys' which the Marines are happy to provide me with. If you think this doesn't beat cowering in a filthy hole in the ground day after day in fear of one's life, you must be crazy!"

Well. I see what you mean, Mr Hussein. Do you have anything else to say to our listeners?

"Yes. Go to hell, you overfed couch potatoes in America. You suck! I was someone important once, a celebrity, but you will NEVER be! Your are nobodies! I rate, you don't. Eat me!"

Hmmm. Mr Hussein seems to have hung up. Well, we'll just move on to the next caller, as we continue to find the answer to the question: "Are you better off now in Iraq?"

RING!!!