Regular Catter, I'm thinking that a question asked in pain can only really be answered in healing. Your search for meaning can be informed by the grief process, but although asking for answers now is part of that process, it's unlikely that any of the answers will actually ring true while so much hurts. At best we can just indicate, by answering, that we share your sense of something terribly not right in the universe.

Someone I respected very much once said, "It doesn't make sense because it doesn't make sense." I always hated hearing that, but then again, I always came around to agreeing with it once I had a little distance and perspective restored.

So my answer to you would be this-- I'm so sorry you're hurting, and I hope you have someone close to hang onto and a safe place to cry, rage, and wonder your way through these double-edged things we human beans have called "feelings"-- that part of us that is so much of what makes us the delightful, exasperating, unique critters we are.

Me? I'm off to LIVE this day with some sense of how precious each day is, renewed again by being caught by grief myself.

~Susan