The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #59418 Message #1181953
Posted By: GUEST,William Shatner
09-May-04 - 09:47 PM
Thread Name: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
Do what I do when there's been a shoddy performance or a breach of security by your subordinates, Khandu...
Order them all to assemble in the Captain's briefing room.
Fix them with a steely eye for a minute or two, pace around, and watch them sweat. Tap your fingers thoughtfully on the table as you sit down.
Then casually say, "Well...gentlemen...and ladies as well...I'd like an explanation for this sorry state of affairs."
They'll all look glum.
Say, "Don't all talk at once..."
At this point two or three of them will start stammering excuses and interrupting each other. Listen with a look of almost infinite patience that is slowly being stretched to the final limit. Then calmly lift a hand for silence...
"That's enough. I...think I get the picture. Rapaire...go and clean out all the latrines on C Deck...with a toothbrush. Spawk...you're demoted to garbage detail. You...haven't posted here in the last 2,500 posts. Tweed...I want you to go outside and start counting stars. When you reach 3,555,444,555 and 2 stars...and DON'T count any star more than once...report back with your conclusions. CarolC...I'm...going to need you in my cabin in...15 minutes from now. Change into a gown and bring some Romulan Ale...well chilled. You too, Ms Penelope Rutledge...they say two heads are better than one. Bee-Dubya...bend over and assume the position. I'll be with you momentarily, after I adjust my boot. Amos...I...need you to thoroughly analyze and critique the entire collected poetry of an obscure Scottish poet of the Terran 19th century named William MacGonagall. The fate of the Galaxy depends upon it. Get on it right away, and give me your full report at...0900 tomorrow. 42...you're on the wrong ship. Beam out of here immediately or get a proper uniform and enlist. We have an opening in the scullery. MOAB...you are a figment of your own imagination. You don't really exist. Go away. Stilly River Sage...report to Doctor McCoy and get a neural implant to correct that...annoying habit. Little Hawk...you, my fine sir, are the one officer on this starship that understands the chain of command and is willing to follow orders without question. You are promoted to First Officer, replacing Spawk as of this moment."
Then stand up smartly. Say, "That will do." and stride out of the room in a charismatic manner.
They'll be awestruck.
- William Shatner