The town of Twillingsgate was stunned and electrified today by the shocking news that Ms Penelope Rutledge has eloped to the Continent with a Spanish gentleman she met in London only a few days ago. The Spaniard in question is a wealthy businessman and playboy from Barcelona named Senor Arturo Alfonso Eduardo Luis Santa Clara de Corazon de la Palma y Pontificado de Espinoza...(gasping for breath here...). We shall call him Senor Espinoza henceforth, lest we run out of ink.

Mr Espinoza is not British and he has a pencil-thin moustache and a deep tan! To be blunt about it, he's swarthy. He is rumoured to bet on the horses and consort with famous European actresses. He has been seen in Monaco, playing roulette and baccarat.

One can only wonder what devious means he must have employed to influence our Ms Rutledge to depart from the bosom of her friends and family without so much as a word of warning.

It so happens that Ms Rutledge's companion of many months, Captain Nigel West, recently departed on military duty to Iraq, where we trust he is doing his best to restore Tony Blair's reputation...or confirm it for all time... (Ahem) It was thought by her close friends that Ms Rutledge had been moody lately, but it was assumed that she was missing Captain West and was concerned for his safety.

Ms Rutledge, however, was seen only last weekend in London by our informant (who has asked to remain nameless), engaged in enthusiastic conversation with Senor Espinoza, and she was reportedly "glowing". On Wednesday afternoon Ms Rutledge packed two suitcases and took a limousine to London. She then apparently met Mr Espinoza at the airport and flew to Europe on the spot. Her present whereabouts are unknown.

Did we mention that Senor Espinoza has a pencil-thin moustache? It is this writer's opinion that this is only the beginning of a scandalous story that will shake Twillingsgate to its very foundations and drive yet another nail into the shuddering bosom of what was once Our Glorious and Unsullied Empire upon which the sun never set.

Stay tuned! The Twillingsgate Herald stands ready to keep you informed, blow by shocking blow, as this incredible story unfolds!

- Mortimer Estuary, Assistant Editor