Dere Captain Nigel,
Keep yore eye on thet Sarjent Tavish, az it iz whispered amongst the sarvent folk thet yore Mz.Ranklegs is summat well practiced in blowing tunes on the good sarjent's bagpipe. I would not trust neither obv them two az far as I could throw them.
I hope this will not be viewed by any eyes cept yore's, az I yam not one to spread tails, but thought you should know whut the hail yore gettin into wif that scrawny ode harpy.
Yerz,
Tweed