Dear Aine, how wonderful! This one is to the tune of "Any dream will do" from Joseph and the Amazing technicolor Dreamcoat -- which is not in the DT. That's very wise, because it's one of those tunes, like the notorious "It's a small world" which will run round and round and round in your head for weeks until you holler for mercy.

Barnsley's Moon

Our Barnsley Green, it's so bucolic,
Never melancholic, just a perfect scene.
Far, far away, folks may be sinning,
Have since the beginning,
I've been told, it's true.

But I walk my street, with the bright sun shining,
Nothing's undermining my tidy view.
All's as right as rain, till the corner's turning,
Then my cheeks start burning,
And my eyes do, too.

A shocking sight! A sybarite!
Made out of stone! A pervert gnome
Is standing there, his bottom bare
Flashing me a moon!

I closed my eyes, and I almost fainted,
To see Barsnley tainted, with such a dirty scene.
I looked once more, and I saw bare-chested
Gnomettes double-breasted --
Well I had to scream.

I called the cops, well, of course I had to,
Not that I was glad to, but what choice had I?
The world and I, we have to keep our eyes peeled,
And our moral spines steeled,
Against such clay bad guys.

The cops were fast, the crisis passed,
The stone derriere no longer bare,
The boobs were clad in bikini plaid
Painted on the stone.

Now we return To our life of virtue
All at home by curfew, and the gnomes are still.
For action hot, they still are waiting,
Primly hesitating,
And they always will.
And they always will.