I 'ave to report that we 'ave experienced a disaster of sorts. It's a bloody mess, to be perfeckly frank about it. A bloody mess!!!

It all started out quite well. The local press 'ad all turned out by 1 pm for to see me Eddie stand up after 'is 16 years on the couch watchin' the telly. I was sellin' me crumpets like 'ot cakes and I've never seen so many folk in the flat or around the building before. It was like we was celebrities. Pret'y 'eady feeling, I can tell you!

Well, they all 'ad their cameras ready as 2:30 approached, 'aving interviewed me and Eddie first. Me name by the way is Olive. Olive Margaret Whatnot, formerly Olive Margaret Wormsley. I was born and bred in 'Ull, same as me Eddie, and I'm right proud of it.

As the long awaited for moment approached and the seconds ticked away, the blokes and birds from the press all started chanting the countdown! The excitement was palpable. Eddie tossed back a flagon of Guinness, took a deep breath, and as they reached ONE!...'e made a mighty effort and suddenly lurched to 'is feet, putting one 'and on the settee to steady 'isself...and everyone gave a mighty cheer! And they all flashed their flashbulbs...bloody twits! And that was when it 'appened.

Me poor Eddie was so startled and blinded by the flashbulbs that 'e overbalanced and fell backwards wiv 'is full weight on the couch. I regret to say that the treasured piece of furniture was totally destroyed in the resulting descent of Eddie's uncontrolled fall backwards, and that was only the beginning.

I regret to say that we live on the second floor walkup in our building. It seems that the floor was not quite strong enough to sustain Eddie's landing and the subsequent collapse of our 20 year old heirloom couch. The floor gave way. Without the floor or the couch to properly support 'im, me Eddie had the misfortune of being caused to descend unexpectedly into the flat of the people living below us, 'ose name is Pond. Mister and Mrs Pond. We 'ave in the past not gotten along well wiv the Ponds because they are stuck up and finks too much of themselves. Due to this I 'ave not spoken to Mrs Pond in some time nor 'as she spoken to me. Eddie 'as not met the Ponds, due to the fact that 'e spent the last 16 years on the couch...now the ex-couch...but 'e 'as a low opinion of both of 'em. And I fink 'is opinion is justified.

Nonetheless, it was not Eddie's intention to kill their cat nor was it 'is intention to destroy their tellyvision, their dining table, and their set of Wedgewood China. It was an act of God.

I regret to say that me Eddie sustained painful bruises and a wrenched elbow in 'is fall. We intend to sue the press. The press also intends to sue us, because several of 'em fell in the 'ole and suffered various minor injuries to themselves and their photographic equipments.

The apartment 'as been ruined, any money I made sellin' crumpets will go to the lawyers, and I am sorry to say that the 'ole fing was a bad idea from the start. "Let sleeping dogs lie", they say. Well, now I know why.

I will not be sending anyone the DVD.