Rockall pays tribute to Ronald Reagan
President, statesman, father, etc, etc
by Ignatius Alzheimer
The Peoples' Republic of Rockall today joins with world leaders in paying tribute to Ronald Wilson Reagan, who died last Saturday aged 193. Reagan finally succumbed to Alzheimer's Disease, having bravely fought the debilitating condition for 74 years.

Reagan — who as 40th US president led his country through two tempestuous terms — will be best remembered as the man who tirelessly fought to bring peace and democracy to Nicaragua, El Salvador and the Lebanon. Among his other achievements we can count the effective countering of the Soviet missile threat by deployment of satellite-borne laser gun technology — an astounding US technological feat for its time.

Former British prime minister Margaret Thatcher hailed Reagan "a truly great American hero" — honour indeed from the woman who admired few fellow world leaders, kindly Chilean supremo Augusto Pinochet excepted.

Other international movers-and-shakers yesterday temporarily abandoned their invasion of Normandy to add their own personal tributes. Current White House incumbent George Bush emerged from the surf at Omaha beach to say: "Ronald Reagan won America's respect with his greatness, and won its love with his goodness. He had the confidence that comes with conviction, the strength that comes with character, the grace that comes with humility, and the humour that comes with wisdom."

Further down the coast on a blood-soaked Utah beach, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger took five from assaulting a German machine-gun position to add: "I am deeply saddened by the passing of President Reagan. He was a great American patriot."

Meanwhile, UK prime minister Tony Blair, joining Prince Charles in a desperate defence of the Pegasus Bridge against a vicious counterattack by German-backed Jacques Chirac, called Reagan: "A great statesman who through the strength of his convictions and his commitment to democracy will leave a deep mark in history."

Reagan's former national security aide Lt Col Oliver North endorsed these sentiments: "Ronald Reagan was easily the greatest president of my lifetime. He brought down the Evil Empire and made the world safer for my children and theirs." Miguel D'Escoto, former foreign minister in Nicaragua's Sandinista government, enthusiastically agreed: "[He was a] fantastic president. There is not the least doubt that President Reagan did Nicaragua much good, saving many lives. He may not have had much time or inclination to reflect later on the long-term benefits to my country, but we nevertheless hope that God will reward him for his benevolence."

Ronald Wilson Reagan's road to immortality began before the American Civil War in Tampico, Ill. Reagan's amazing career encompassed radio sportscaster, a Hollywood B-movie star, soap salesman, motivational speaker, governor of California, arms dealer, freedom fighter and president.

His wisecracking oratory style enamoured Reagan to millions worldwide, with the notable exception of John Hinckley. In 1981, Hinckley attempted to assassinate the president — apparently after watching Reagan acting opposite a horse in the hilarious 1937 comedy Sergeant Murphy.

Naturally, Reagan was soon back to his pun-filled self. In 1986, he prevented the US from descending into wallowing self pity after the Challenger disaster by making his now famous "Need Another Seven Astronauts" quip during a live TV statement to the nation. He continued to entertain international leaders with his stand-up skills until late into his seventies, by which time the first outward signs of Alzheimer's had begun to erode his once-sharp mind.

Reagan's gradual decline into incomprehensibility ended in Bel Air on Saturday when he finally departed for the great ranch in the sky. He is survived by children Michael, Patti Davis and Ron, and by faithful wife Nancy. Nancy will accompany her beloved Ronald as he does one last US chat-show tour after which he will be buried with his horse, Trigger.