This is a very tough question for me as I've heard so many things butchered.

My job is corporate special event planning. Included in this job, is recommending talent to a client for an event (including music, bands) and other various forms of entertainment. (Prior to this I was a professional musician for almost 18 years, so I know a little bit about music.)

I get a lot of bands, musicans, instrumentalists and vocalists bombarding me with ''demo'' tapes, on a weekly basis (and you wonder why so many A&R guys at record companies are on drugs?) (Not me, though I've contemplated it after listening to certain demos.)

There are some things I receive that are so bad, they sometimes make me laugh out loud, others depress me because somewhere, some parents have told some daughters or sons (reinforced by their non-musician friends)for many years, that they really have talent. And of course in reality, they don't and wouldn't recognize it if it bit them on the ass. Some could play and sing their repertoire and make a very good living as comedians, but as musicians. Notta.

There is a female singer that Rick Fielding and I know of, (and we will keep her name out of this public forum) that performs at pay-what-can-at-door coffee houses. This is a fairly attractive looking woman, who writes original tunes and accompanys herself on the guitar. She has also released some CDs. I met her at an event I was doing awhile back, as she was the girlfriend of one of the guests in attendance and her boyfriend came over to me (after finding out I was the agent-boy) and starting extolling the talents of this lovely creature...so under the circumstances I asked her to send me a demo, and the CD and promo package arrived a few days later. Very nice professional looking package. (Ironically some of the worst material I've heard comes in the most professional looking packaging. Why is that?!) I throw on the CD, and after several minutes, I detect droplets of blood dripping out of my ears and the after shock left me with a severely puckered sphincter muscle which I was able to alieviate only by throwing on Taj Mahals ''Senior Blues'' CD.

Her tunes had no hooks to them; they're like endless verses without choruses (hmmm...really early Dylan?), and the voice, is raspy, out-of-tune and the sound of someone scraping their fingernails on a blackboard would be preferable. I got thru the album (listening to about 30 seconds of each cut) and then threw it in the garbage figuring the CD was homesick anyway.

Just one of many many anecdotes I could share with you all....All in all though, I would say the worst thing I've ever heard (sent to me) (and no offense to anybody here on the 'Cat) was an obviously carioke musical background of Morris Alpert's tune ''Feelings", sung completely out of key, AND out of time, by a woman with a very thick East Indian accent. I seriously considered sending this tune to the producers of ''The Simpsons'' for soundtrack use for one of the shows. There, it would have been a perfect fit.

......now where's that joint?!