Aesthete's Revnege

It was down in the trailer park, late Friday night
Two porkers were stolen by the pale moon's light
They were there by the birdbath when their folks went to bed
When the sun rose next morning, just a note there that read:

CH: "Crisps, pork-rinds, and pork chops!
Bacon, and ham!
We'll find out right quick
How much you can stand!
Are you hard and cold-hearted?
With a heart made of stone?
Your piglets are squealing,
And they want to come home!"

Oh, Alice, dear Alice, it's a terrible waste
That you should be so punished, just fer having bad taste!
Your birdbath and chickens are quite tacky, it is true
But that's no excuse fer them picking on you!

CH

The po-lice are thwarted, they can't find out who
Would be so demented, as to do this to you
It's cruelty extreme, and no help from the cops
Who should be protecting you from pre-cooked pork chops!

CH

But we know the secret, that no-one has told
As to why you've received all these letters so bold
It's a small group from Nashville, not too far away
A renegade splinter from the SPCA

CH

It wasn't the shlock of the hens in concrete,
The birdbath was dumb, the flamingos were sweet,
The reason this strange act of vengeance arose
Is you dressed them in fashion-catastrophe clothes!

CH

They're a dozen young artists who wish to proclaim
That your garden décor is a hard, tasteless pain!
And for dressing your lawn-pigs in cheap Kmart schlock
You forced them to action, for you had to be stopped!!

CH

The pigs are in training, so don't fear for their lives
They are being reprogrammed like the best Stepford wives,
When their senses are healed, they will come home, but then,
They'll never wear clothes from the Goodwill again!

CH

You can count on it Alice, but there will be a cost!
You'll wish that the damn pigs had simply stayed lost.
For its Gucci and Cardin and Saint-Laurent too,
They will soon make a high-fashion fascist of you!


"Crisps, pork-rinds, and pork chops!
Bacon, and ham!
We'll find out right quick
How much you can stand!
Are you hard and cold-hearted?
With a heart made of stone?
Your piglets are squealing,
And they want to come home!"

Regards,


A