I am Count Vladimir the Inhaler, also known as Mudvig of Catnipia, the Third. I was born in a castle in Lower Catnipia, Transylvania, on Friday the 13th of December, 1763. My mother, Draconia the Seventh, is a wild and powerful woman, as famous in Catnipia for her dragon riding as for her collection of pet bats.

"At least this guy's got some imagination", thought Magenta, I'm so sick of those beer sodden football louts and boring accountants. This is going to be fun"..

"As a child, my tutor Hermann was directed to instruct me in the Greater Arts – Greek, Latin, Physics, Sword Fighting, Harmonics, Wrestling, Mathematics and Sanskrit. Hermann was a strict master, as I soon learnt if I misplaced my logarithms or muddled a mantra. He would order me to kneel at his feet, to disrobe from the waist up, and submit to wild thrashings from his dragon-tail whip. I learnt to be a proud and dedicated student, and soon, no-one in all Catnipia could better my understanding of Alchemy, Medieval tapestry technique or the preparation of curried bats.

But, within me, my soul was oppressed by the constant beatings, and my heart became a bitter and bleeding flower, longing for love.

"Here we go," thought Magenta, another bloody emotionally retarded narcissist wanting a mother figure. Well, he's going to get more than he expects from me"..

She gazed into Vlad's rather pink eyes, and smiled at him, squeezing his arm gently, as she fluttered her lashes...

In the corner of the pub, a dark figure in a coat and fedors sat watching, quietly..