Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:

1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers
for your recovery.

2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our
highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money
but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of
illness.

4. "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving
their jobs to India.

5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind
without regulation.

6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary
Clinton.

7. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run
for governor of California as a Republican.

9. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

10. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies,
then demand their cooperation and money.

11. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public
at heart.

12. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing
health care to all Americans is socialism.

13. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.

14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him,
a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy
when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush
needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable
offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which
thousands die is solid defense policy.

16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution,
which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades,
but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
Nor is his indulgence in insider trading.

18. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John
Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the
right to adopt.

19. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest,
but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

20. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but
trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international
harmony.

21. When the vice president tells a Senator to go f--- himself on the
very floor of the Senate, it's simply good old-fashioned assertiveness.
But when Hollywood celebs make off-color jabs at Bush during a
Radio City Kerry fundraiser, it's an offense that requires a
review of the videotapes and a full-scale investigation.

22. Names of the energy moguls who met with Cheney to carve up the
industry and fix prices are none of our business, but Kerry has to
release the names of foreign leaders he says support his candidacy
instead of Bush.

If you don't send this to at least 10 people, we're likely to be stuck
with Bush for four more years. Friends don't let friends vote Republican.