President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishments in office.  That's why it's a 60-second spot."
-- Jay Leno

"President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters,'Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?'"
-- Jay Leno

"The election is in full-swing.  Republicans have taken out round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that?   It's called Fox News."
-- Craig Kilborn

"Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That's the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See for President Bush it's different, his magic number is 5. That's the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win."
-- Jay Leno

"There was a scare inWashingtonwhen a man climbed over the White House wall and was arrested.  This marks the first time a person has gotten into the White House unlawfully since President Bush."
-- David Letterman

"A new poll says that if ! the election were held today, John Kerry would  beat President Bush by a double digit margin. The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month."
-- Jay Leno

"The White House is now backtracking from its prediction that 2.6 million new jobs will be created in theU.S. this year.  They say
they were off by roughly 2.6 million jobs."
-- Jay Leno

"InLouisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops.  Here's the weird part: nobody remembers seeing him there."
-- Craig Kilborn

"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in  San Francisco.  He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unl! ess of course we're choosing a president. Then  he prefers judges."
-- Jay Leno

"The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard.  Big deal. We've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election."
-- Jay Leno

"There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records.  They actually found some old Al Gore ballots."
-- David Letterman

"The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack for his service in the National Guard.  The commanding officers can't remember seeing Bush between May and October of '72.  President Bush said, 'Remember me?  I was the drunk guy!'"
! -- Jay Leno

"On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, 'You mean like last time?''"
  -- Jay Leno

"This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making campaign appearance with the guys who saved their lives inVietnam.  Meanwhile President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a math test for him."
-- Conan O'Brien

"President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget.  It has two parts: smoke and mirrors."
-- Jay Leno

"Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence wasn't what it should have been. But we knew that when we elected him!"
-- Jay Leno

"As you know President Bush gave his State of the Union Address, interrupted 70 times by applause and 45 times by really big words."
-- Jay Leno

"President Bush said that American workers will need new skills to get the new jobs in the 21st century.  Some of the skills they're going to need are Spanish, Chinese, Korean, because that's where the jobs went."
-- Jay Leno

The new Prime Minister ofSpainhas called the war inIraqa disaster, and plans to bring his troops home as soon as possible.  In
fact, President Bush is so upset atSpainthat he is now threatening to close down the border betweenSpainand theU.S.
-- Jay Leno

"The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without
any competitive bidding.  When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said  "Yes.'"
-- Conan O'Brien


"Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings.  This is what he said.  He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time at an undisclosed location.  Thank God he cleared that up."
-- Jay Leno

"Plans are being discussed as to who will replace Dick Cheney if he has to resign for health reasons.  It's not easy for President Bush, he can't just name a replacement.  He would first have to be confirmed by the oil, gas and power companies"
-- Jay Leno

"President Bush spoke briefly to reporters before playing a round of golf in Crawford, Texas earlier today.  ...  This raises the question: Shouldn't the guy who is really running the country and who has had like 20 heart attacks be taking the vacation?"
-- Craig Kilborn