I have kept a journal of many of the things that have happened with Veronica and her mother. It is a very sad log of a little girl who has been repeatedly let down and faced with broken promises. It is also a record of her health and how her basic shots were not up to date, how incredibly BAD her vision was when she came here and yet had NEVER been to an eye Dr. It is a record of Veronica's behavior when she returned from previous visits with her mother, how she has come back with bruises from her older brother and bite marks (on her stomach....that have left scars)from her younger sister (2 years younger). What I have is a record that just breaks my heart. I know that Veronica is not being beaten physically but that poor child has been let down, shoved away and disappointed until it just makes me cry. She doesn't understand why she was sent away while her brother and sister were allowed to remain home. She doesn't understand why "Mommy" doesn't call. She makes excuses for each let down as a means to protect her poor little heart.

That day when Veronica's mother called to say that she wanted Veronica to live with her now because the punishment was over, I told her mother that Veronica was doing very well here. She is on the honor roll at school (which she never had been and in addition, her behavior marks were now all satisfactory...which were shaky before), that she had friends here and people who LOVE her...and that she was HAPPY. Her mother said that she didn't think Veronica was happy here (AS IF SHE WOULD FREAKING KNOW ANYTHING SINCE SHE NEVER TAKES THE TIME TO CALL HER CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). She said she would ask Veronica where she wanted to live. That's all well and good, but Veronica just turned 12 and that is an AWFUL place to put a child in. Should she tell her mother that she wants to stay where she is loved and taken care of or should she tell her that she wants to live with her? Veronica took the day to think about it and I did my best not to prod her in any one direction (although I REALLY REALLY wanted to). She called her mother that night and told her that she wanted to live here, that she wanted to go to school here and have more contact with her mother on the phone and more visits with her (once every other month instead of once every 6-8 months). I guess I shouldn't be surprised even a little tiny bit that her mother went ahead and did what SHE wanted instead of what Veronica wanted. If she wasn't going to allow Veronica to have a say in the matter, why bother asking her and putting her in such a bad position. We told Veronica that no matter what she decided, someone was going to be sad. We also told her that whatever her decision was, we would understand and love her no matter what. It's the best I could do.

Her mother called on August 11th and I have been physically sick with this since then. I had a VERY bad feeling and I suppose I knew deep down that Veronica would end up at her mothers, especially after seeing her. It makes sense (to my head anyway) that Veronica has been deprived of affection for so very long by her birth family that any smidgen of attention from them would bring almost overwhelming joy for her. She craves her mom's love and I know that is completely normal. I worry about what will happen when Mom gets tired of dealing with her this time. We also are aware that Veronica has been sent away before. She was sent to Santo Domingo to live when she was very young, she was living with her Godparents in NY for a period of time shortly before she came to live with us. Her mother moved her from the Godparents because they said something that was not complimentary towards Veronica's mother (GO FIGURE!).

I have heard countless tales about how the mother doesn't get home until after 8:30pm leaving all three kids alone (in the projects of Brooklyn...the oldest child being 14 and abusive), how they all fend for themselves when it comes to meals and how the mother usually is out of the house before the kids even get up for school. There is SO much more but you get the general idea.

Today Veronica would have started her very first day of 7th Grade in the Middle School. This would have been a new building for her and she was incredibly excited about moving to a new building and having a locker. I wonder where she is, what she is doing and if she wishes she were here.

My house is incredibly quiet and there's an empty spot that lingers. I haven't cried yet this morning...

Michelle