Writing the card was something productive, Michelle. Congratulations. It is hard for you to see now but you are taking steps towards dealing with your pain. A few bites at lunch - sounds familiar. And that first night of sleeping via pills - heaven. Once you re-establish a sleep pattern, you probably won't need them very often.

No rage? You did rip up two photos of Veronica's mother. Rage (anger) is good and healthy. Just make sure you focus it out and not at yourself. "Guilt is anger turned inward" - my mantra through five years of therapy. Also make sure that you aim it at the person who deserves it not at a the easiest or most convenient target - poor Pete. He sounds like a saint.

I have a book I used to help me identify and develop some coping skills when my son's addiction became a real issue. The author is a smug "Boy am I good" type but gives some very simple and concrete guidelines for working through a loss. The "Feeling Good Handbook" is more than likely at your library.

If it doesn't appeal to you, simply make a copy of the list re: Ten Most Common Misperceptions. Years later I still use that list when trying to find get a handle on a problem.

Re: the woman with four children. She wouldn't have parted with the worst of the bunch had you offered to take one. Ironic that she crossed your path. It must feel as if Fate is smacking you in the face at every turn.

The ultimate truth is that you are the only real parent that Veronica has ever had. The other reality is that she may very well come back into your life and when she does you will have to be at your top performance both to deal with a child who has almost no stability and the legal issues you will face to keep her next time. Keep taking care of yourself one day at a time.