I love my mother in law. She's got an awful jaw.
She's at me day and night but I can't do anything right.
She's a-coming round today. How I wish she'd stay away.
Ain't it a pity, a blooming great pity, she ain't in the family way.

Tonight I'll grease the stairs, put tacks on all the chairs,
And I hope she breaks her blooming back 'cos I do like wearing black.
She's rough and she's randy. She's as sweet as sugar candy.
How I love her, love to smother, how I love my mother in law.

Took a trip to gay Paree. I paid ten francs to see
This great big fat Cherie tattooed from head to knee.
Right underneath her jaw was a British man of war,
And down her back was the Union Jack so I paid ten francs more

To see her lily-white bum with its tattoo of the rising sun,
And up and down her spine were the Grenadiers in line,
And right across her tummy was Al Jolson singing Mammy.
How I love her, love to smother, how I love my mother in law.

Mick Haywood, Old Wine and Spirits Vaults, Batley/Birstall, 20/3/99.