The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John
Kerry. You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has
twice as many people mad at him." -Jay Leno


"We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really
offers us a choice of two well-informed opposing positions on every issue.
OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there" -Jay Leno


"President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry
calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating." -Jay Leno


"Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify
a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he's the
dad from The Munsters."   -Jay Leno


"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as
opposed to John Kerry who just marries them." -Jay Leno


"They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in
history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's
nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" -Jay Leno