...it would be in the middle of nowhere and have no neighbours.

I would serve food - two types of stew - with meat and without. Nothing else. Served with big chunks of wholemeal bread and butter.

Beer would be gravity fed and there'd be cider and mild and bitter but no lager or trendy alcopops. There'd be no crisps or nuts either I'm afraid - just stew (with or without) (But a little man would come round each night selling cockles, mussels and prawns)   

It would have flagged floors and roaring fires and settles and no piped music or jukebox or machines or big screen television.

There would be live music (no PA - sort out your own balance) and musicians would know innately when a singer wants to be accompanied and when he/she doesn't. (Shaky eggs would be banned along with juke boxes though, I'm afraid)

Children - now there's a toughy - I'm afraid, as it's my pub, only under strict observation - if they didn't appreciate the ambience, they'd have to wash up! None of this, if they don't learn to behave here where will they learn business - they've got to learn how to behave before they come, I'm afraid (it IS my pub)

Dogs - on the other hand - would be welcome.

And I'd serve breakfast (well, stew, two types - with and without)