My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION:

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:

"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:

"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to CRY about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:

"Will you LOOK at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:

"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:

"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:

"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:

"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY:

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM!!!