This is a true story about my brother. I have to reveal the Awful Family Secret Shame to tell it, but I don't care. After all, it's his Secret Shame, not mine. Anyway, here it is: my brother plays trombone.

Anyway, after he got back from 'Nam he needed money so he took a job with the National Guard Band. They were looking for a trombone tooter and he qualified.

So they're playing this gig in Clinton, Illinois one Fourth of July, and my brother and the drummer -- a black guy and another Vietnam vet -- are sitting in the back next to each other. Whatever the band was playing didn't require much boning or drumming, so they were, well, they were screwing around something awful but having a whole lot of fun at it.

Then Abraham Lincoln walked in. That is, a guy who was playing Lincoln (and not very well) walked among the band, in character, shaking hands and trying to act like Abe.

When he got to my brother and his friend, he shook their hands and made a fatal error. Abe said, rather condescendingly, "I do like to see white soldiers and black soldiers playing music together, I really do." And he started to walk way.

Brother T, more than a little annoyed and knowing that the drummer was too, called out, "Mr. Lincoln! Mr. Lincoln! I have a question, Mr. Lincoln!"

The actor turned around and quietly asked, "And what is that, my son?"

Brother T: "Mr. Lincoln, do you think you could re-think this Emancipation thing?"

At which point the not-very-good actor was stricken dumb, and the trombonist and the drummer literally fell into each others arms shaking with laughter. "Only you," choked out the drummer, "only you!"