two musos meet up.

One says Oh god life is good. I was in las Vegas last week on holiday. I'm in the sudience of the Sands, my old mate Tom Jones sees me in the audience, invites me up onstage, I do a couple of my own songs, just me and a piano, then me and guitar, I play both you see.... and you'll never guess. They'offered me month there doing my own show. Great money.

The I'm in the lounge of The Queen Mary on the voyage back. That woman they did the TV show about, she'd got a bad throat couldn't do the show. I stepped forward, I said Ill do you a few songs, brought the house down, people with tears in their eyes, standing ovations .... you've never seen anything like it! Bloody marvellous! they've said they'll give a gig there. Brilliant money, and you'll never guess....

I was on the way home in the taxi, and I'd been working on some songs. I gave the taxi driver a cd and said , do you mind if I listen to that. And he says no treouble mate. Guess who it is ... only Richard Branson , he does taxi driving for relaxation. he says this is good mate, I'll try and sort you out a record contract. Can I offer a couple of hundred thousand for the option for a week, and I said okay so he whipped out the money there and then, signed me up on the back of his condom packet....

The other muso said well I've had a crap time of it. the only booking I've had is Hull Brish legion. They all throw fish at you, that was before they started fighting, I asked for the money from the secretary and he said here's a deposit mate, and he wiped his arse on me toupe.....anyway I've got to go.

Allright see you, but did you say Hull Bitish Legion.....you haven't got the number on you?