Three men died and appeared before St. Peter to see whether they could get into heaven. St. Peter asked the first one, "What did you do for a living?" The man said, "I was a doctor and I made a lot of money." St. Peter said, "Go to hell." St. Peter asked the second man the same question, and the man said, "I was a lawyer and I made a lot of money." St. Peter said, "Go to hell." Then it was the third man's turn. He said, "I didn't make much money but I did make people happy." St. Peter said, "What instrument did you play?"

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Someone who just died and went to heaven was being shown around by an angel. He saw a man dressed in a tuxedo, standing on a podium with a music score in front of him, waving a white stick. The newcomer asked the obvious question and the angel said, "No that's God. He just thinks he's von Karajan."

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Some definitions:

detache: an indication that the trombones should play with their slides removed

glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs

risoluto: indicates to the orchestra that they are to maintain their rhythm stubbornly no matter what the conductor does

crescendo: a reminder to the performer that he/she has been playing too loudly

vibrato: used by singers to disguise the fact that they are on the wrong pitch

coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note but has a wild time hunting for it

chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing in half pounds

beat: what musicians do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on the top of the head, and the up beat is struck under the chin.

repeat: what you do until they expel you

perfect pitch: the smooth coating on a freshly paved road

whole note: what's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year

time signature: what you need from your boss if you forget to clock in

major scale: what you say after chasing wild game up a mountain. "Damn! That was a major scale."

Bach chorale: the place behind the barn where you keep the horses

(I sure had fun doing the research for this.   Pauline)