Now this is a true story, and it happened to me. (ps names have been changed ..)

Once upon a time, i was cooking for three hungry kids and a hungry man. The phone rang, i answered it.

"Hello, can i speak to Freda please" (imagine a voice a bit like Marg Simpson).

"speaking"

"My name is Prudence Forsyth, and I am a friend of Jonathon's. Ive just arrived at sydney airport, and i was wondering if i can come and stay with you for a while."

Freda thinks. has never met Marjorie, or even heard of her before. remembers last three friends of Jonathon's who came to stay, how they stayed for two decades, ate her out of house and home, and forgot to put the toilet seat down.

"Sorry Marjorie, I've got a full house right now, if youre a friend of Jonathon's, why dont you stay with him"

Nervous silence.. "Oh, alright then"

some time later Freda runs into her old mate Harry. Harry is 4 foot 11, frail, and has a walking stick, as a result of a shocking accident he was in a few years earlier. Though quite frail, and in pain from horrific damage done in the accident, Harry is always confident, happy and optimistic.

" hi Freda, I hear you gave Marjorie the big A. dont you like trannies?"

Freda: "What? who is she?"

Harry: "She's Jonathon's dad Mervyn. She stayed with me, I went to pick her up at the airport. She had 32 suitcases full of clothes and makeup, and made me carry them all"

Freda (thinks.....Jonathon's dad Mervyn... thoughts go back 25 years to Tasmania- remembers Mervyn, a strapping 6'5" muscular bloke with a goatee, who used to beat up his lovely wife Joyce)

Freda (pictures frail little Harry limping along with 32 suitcases on his back... ) what she like now?

Harry: She rolled up in a pastel twinset, (cardigan n top) and pearls, tartan skirt with a below the knee hemline, and court shoes with quite a high heel. So, probably around 6'7" now. Nice wavy brown hair, perm, well made up.

Freda: How long did she stay?

Harry: its been seven months now, and she won't carry out the garbage or do any heavy work. says thats for the man of the house..