I find that parents who listen and let the kids talk (that is the insane part, because a large part of what they have to say is absolute psychobabble), instead of talking at the kids (I was notorious for doing that) do better with most kids. Kids hate being lectured.

As to the putting the fear of god into them, I'm going to stick by that, and add that shame is a great guardian of boundaries when we aren't around. I've talked about this with both adults and kids. If you have a strong, healthy family with a lot of love, most kids won't go off the deep end for fear of you or their aunties or grampa finding out about the stupid thing they did. In my book, we call that deterrence. The child would be so ashamed of themselves if they were caught out.

It isn't at all about making kids be afraid of you. It is about making them honor the bonds, the family, the community, and not want you to be ashamed of them. Not every kid will get that, but many of them do. Fear of bringing shame on the family is a great deterrence. Traditional cultures often go too far with it, but a healthy dose of the fear of shaming or embarrassing the family is A Very Good Thing in my book, especially in the teen years, when high risk behavior is prevalent among so many kids.

There is no greater motivator for most teens than the fear of being embarrassed in front of their friends/peers. The second greatest motivator is the fear of bringing shame to the family. Honest. Most kids care very much about that #2. Not as much as #1, I'll grant you. But still. As parents of teens, you take what you can get.