I strongly disagree with Guest about using fear and shame as a method of control.

Everyone will rebel against this at some time in their life. It may happen when they are teen-agers but worse than that is if they rebel later in life. At least when you rebel as a teen-ager, you have a loving environment to return to. When you rebel as an adult, you may have no where to return.

SRS - I agree that a parent must always put the needs of their children first. Staying within distance of the other parent is often the best way to do this. I also agree that bringing a lover into the home when your kids are teen-agers is inviting conflict. This does not mean you must necessarily rob yourself of a social life outside the home. In fact, solid friendships are a great source of strength.

My daughter used to babysit for a woman that she could talk to when times got tough. I also became good friends with her. Later, when her daughter became a teen-ager, guess who ended up on my doorstep? Both girls are now living their own lives and both me and the other mom are best buddies. We are both grateful for the friendship and guidance we have given each other over the years.

Was this just luck? No. I knew that I had to find people to support me as a parent because I was a single immigrant with no family to fall back on. I made an effort to nurture friendships that would enhance my homelife and the lives of my children. As adults, they have told me many times how rich their lives were as children. They never felt deprived of anything. In fact, they had a much wider exposure to life than their friends who were raised by the parental unit who protected and controlled them with fear and guilt.