Thinking that households should be run as democracies instead of benevolent dictatorships is a mistake, IMO. Mom and/or Dad have to be in charge. As the kids get older, the decisions they participate in making should get progressively more 'important'. Basically, show as we go that you can make 'wise' decisions and you will be allowed to make more of them. I don't think shame has to play in it, but if the child DOES something shameful, maybe it's time for a talk.

I have seldom seen a use for things like spankings or corporal punishment. But I have seen a use for "when you decide to see things in a reasonable manner" I am here to speak with. Until then, you're grounded.

Lots of what goes on with kids is about trust and mutual respect. Sometimes, "this is the way it is my little darling" has to come first. Done from love, it can be a useful tool. However, I used to preface those kinds of talks with, "This is gonna hurt you more than it will me."