I have always contended that the correct method is to start with the second child. First children are hell to raise.

But since most people don't do this perfectly sensible thing, I have a couple of suggestions.

Teenagers aren't children, nor are they adults, so the relationship you have with them is neither the one you had when they were children, nor the one you will have when they are adults. I know this sounds blindingly obvious, but it's not when you're actually dealing with them.

All the "not in *my* house you won't" in the world won't help with someone who's trying to find her way to the unmapped territory of adulthood, with only the knowledge of childhood.

The only thing that works with teenagers is faith and praise. Don't criticise: they have a strong internal critic, and it doesn't need any help. But "catch them being good" and praise, and reward good behaviour *on the spot*, and you'll be amazed at the result.

(For instance, it does no good to reward someone for bringing you a good report card. That way, you're rewarding the behaviour of *bringing the good report card*. What you want to do is reward the kid for doing homework by bringing up a cup of tea and biscuits *while she's doing it*, but when she's nearly finished.)

When I had a son who seemed to be trying to turn himself into James Dean, the only thing that saved us was the car; I'd say "Fancy a quick drive in the mountains" and he'd grab his guitar and hop onto the back seat, drape his legs over the front and play quietly as we drove, and we'd start chatting - instead of it being constant conflict.

Don't be insulted when I suggest you read a book by an animal trainer, but Karen Pryor's Don't Shoot the Dog
has some excellent tips for raising kids. She was a dolphin trainer, and the book is about the behavioural methods used for dolphins, and later for other animals.

I use her methods in work, with colleagues, and they really work.