Okay, I have just received this. I include it in its entirety, I thought that it was pretty funny.

> Date: Thu, 09 Dec 2004 19:10:34 -0500
> From: schuppm
>
> Below is a list of observations from a friend on a graveyard shift Helpdesk job, while it was slow. Some of you maybe able to relate to some of them.
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>
> 01 Not allowed to refer customers to http://www.societyforchaostheory.org/ when explaining management policies.
> 02 I am not allowed to fine management for things they do that waste the company money.
> 03 I cannot fire managers.
> 04 Not allowed to change the hold music to Slayers "Hell Awaits" on our phone system.
> 05 Not allowed to change the hold music, period.
> 06 Not to address senior management as "Lord Vader".
> 07 I am not the founder of the "Help Desk Call Monkey Liberation Front".
> 08 Customers who swear, use vulgarity, and say rude or offensive things to agents are not to be forwarded to 900 numbers.
> 09 Turn around time for a deskside tech is in no way influenced by how big a dish of candy a user has on their desk.
> 10 I did not wave a magic wand to fix the server.
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>
> 11 I did not press a magic button to fix the server.
> 12 I did not click my heels, use ritual magic, or anyway use magic to fix the server.
> 13 Despite what is in the database, I am not the administrator for all servers in Georgia.
> 14 In order to get procedure changed, I need concrete, 100% proof that it will work. Management however can change procedure on a whim.
> 15 Management always has "reasons I don't understand" for screwing up procedures that worked fine before, and I am not allowed to know why.
> 16 I am not the God of sneaking around the firewall.
> 17 I am not allowed to sneak around the firewall.
> 18 Policy is for users to lock their XP Operating system when away from their desk, and I am not to enforce policy by changing wallpapers, passwords, or sound schemes on any other person's, least of all management's.
> 19 I am not allowed to require users to "pass" an IQ test before I provide tech support.
> 20 When the phone system is broken, down, or malfunctioning, I am not allowed to leave the phones unattended to go fix it without direct permission from a manager.
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>
> 21 Rage Against the Machine's "Bulls on Parade" is not appropriate
> music to play when senior management does a walkthrough.
> 22 Not allowed to solicit funds for the "Buy management a clue" fund.
> 23 Not allowed to send senior management's office address and floor number to terrorist organizations.
> 24 I am required to send management an email when a major tool is down (example: the email system).
> 25 Not allowed to sign people up for online remedial reading courses.
> 26 Not allowed to move the coffee maker machine by my desk. (I won this one yesterday. They switched machines that make coffee in those giant push/pump thermos'.)
> 27 Not allowed to set users passwords to "1d10T".
> 28 Not allowed to set users passwords to "PEBKAC" (Problem Exists
> Between Keyboard And Chair).
> 29 Not allowed to set users passwords to "eye4Get".
> 30 Cannot condemn users as infidels for installing AOL on their work computer.
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>
> 31 Cannot condemn users as infidels for any reason.
> 32 Not allowed to mess with the satellite uplink that feeds the live/current stock price of the company stock to the internal home page for employees.
> 33 I am not Amish or Swedish.
> 34 Not allowed to curse users in Klingon.
> 35 Not allowed to curse users in any language, especially if they know it.
> 36 Not allowed to refer to Information Security group as "Network Nazi's".
> 37 Do not crack SQL jokes in front of the DBA's.
> 38 The server monitoring team is not trying to steal my IP address.
> 39 Just because I've worked on a ranch, competed in a rodeo, and am a proficient horseman, does not mean I am allowed to play "Cowboys and Indians" with our call center in India.
> 40 I am not allowed to convert call center into a hockey arena at night.
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>
> 41 Not allowed to borrow access to the personnel database in order to find out who makes how much money.
> 42 Not allowed to create new access to personnel database.
> 43 Not allowed to crack jokes while on bridge calls.
> 44 Not allowed to conference in Pizza delivery while on bridge call.
> 45 Bridge calls are not to be used to ask philosophical questions to managers on the call.
> 46 No longer allowed to join bridge calls.
> 47 No longer allowed to create bridge calls.
> 48 New call agents are not to be hazed.
> 49 Duct tape is no longer allowed at work.
> 50 Not allowed to reroute Executive support line to call center in India, "so that Upper management can experience first hand the fine job India is doing."
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> 51 Not allowed to deny users access to tools they have no training in using, no matter how mission critical that tool is.
> 52 Not allowed to mirror data on a server I need access to during my shift, even though the server is down during half my shift every night.
> 53 Not allowed to use sick time to "Journey to Mordor to destroy the one ring".
> 54 Not allowed to use sick time to take a shortcut and throw it in Mt. St. Helens.
> 55 The bottom level of the parking garage is not to be rented out as a skateboard park on weekends.
> 56 The Office Admin. assistant who is in charge of ordering coffee and supplies is no ones "Sugar Daddy".
> 57 Scientific experiments are not to be conducted in the break room microwave.
> 58 Not allowed to rent out space on company web server.
> 59 Not allowed to inquire to managers if they smoke crack.
> 60 Not allowed to inquire to users if they smoke crack.
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>
> 61 Not allowed to do victory dance when I can solve issues 2nd and 3rd tier support groups cannot.
> 62 Satan does not live in the VPN server.
> 63 Gnomes do not live in the VPN server.
> 64 Not allowed to dispatch deskside techs with the comment "release the hounds".
> 65 Not allowed to dispatch deskside techs with the comment "Sick 'em boys".
> 66 The Starbucks on the east side of the building is not plotting against the Starbucks on the West side of the building.
> 67 Not allowed to trade my stock options for a first round draft pick.
> 68 My job title is not "King of the Night Time World" or "Queen of the Damned - Night Shift".
> 69 Not allowed to run Unreal Tournament server over network, despite fact that management was the ones playing on it.
> 70 Not allowed to tell employees where good well vented hiding spots to smoke pot are located.
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>
> 71 I am not fighting a Master Control Program (MCP) from within the computer system.
> 72 The paycheck fairy only visits every other week, period.
> 73 Not allowed to create bots to answer the internal web based chat client.
> 74 The India call center is not a sitcom.
> 75 Not allowed to park in management reserved parking spots when they are on vacation. They may want to park there while they go to the baseball game. (Policy says not to use company provided parking for personal business on days off of work.)
> 76 Management is allowed to monitor my calls, but I am not allowed to monitor theirs.
> 77 Management is not involved in a conspiracy with the Aliens, Masons, the smoking man, the Government, the Illuminati, or McDonald's against me.
> 78 I am not allowed to "Fast Forward" time on the domain controller, especially near the end of my shift.
> 79 Not allowed to setup an auto reply to email stating that it will be answered in direct proportion with how much they donate to my Paypal account.
> 80 Not allowed to sacrifice a goat to appease the gods of the network.
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>
> 81 Not allowed to sacrifice any animal to appease the gods of the network.
> 82 Apparently I believe in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the Tooth Fairy, as I am told they are as real as the gods of the network.
> 83 Regarding the company CIO, she does not resemble Napoleon.
> 84 Users upstairs are not to be instructed to drop their broken machines out the window so that I may catch it and repair it for them.
> 85 People from accounting are not to be referred to as "Dr. Beans".
> 86 Apparently I can trust analysts further then I can throw them.
> 87 Not allowed to throw analysts.
> 88 Not allowed to call server farm and ask "Is your server running? Yes? Then you better go catch it."
> 89 There is no "I" in Server.
> 90 The number of awards, certifications, and trophies on someone's desk is not necessarily proportional to their IQ.
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>
> 91 The "From" line in the email is to contain my address, or in case of a department ran report, the general address of the department. No exceptions.
> 92 The Liquor store across the street is not an acceptable place to hang out during my breaks.
> 93 The Bar down the street is not an acceptable place to hang out during my lunch.
> 94 Not allowed to mention the strip club down the block.
> 95 I am not allowed to approve other employee vacation requests, even though I have the access to do so.
> 96 The voices in my head do not override management decisions.
> 97 Even though the building over looks the Sea-Fair Parade route, I cannot rent out employee desks during the parade.
> 98 The Cable room is for holding network equipment. It is not my personal amusement park.
> 99 People do not get promoted for sucking up to management. They do get promoted however, for buying managers drinks, dinner, show/game tickets, and agreeing with everything that management says.