Great phrases by Mark Twain

"When in doubt, tell the truth.

It is more trouble to make a maxim than it is to do right.

A dozen direct censures are easier to bear than one morganatic compliment.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.

He was as shy as a newspaper is when referring to its own merits.

Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.

It is your human environment that makes climate.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of Humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it -- and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again -- and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.

There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous and shallow. Yet it was the schoolboy who said "Faith is believing what you know ain't so."

The timid man yearns for full value and asks a tenth. The bold man strikes for double and compromises on par.

We can secure other people's approval, if we do right and try hard; but our own is worth a hundred of it, and no way has been found out of securing that.

Truth is stranger than fiction -- to some people, but I am measurably familiar with it.

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.

There is a Moral Sense, and there is an Immoral Sense. History shows us that the Moral Sense enables us to perceive morality and how to avoid it, and that the Immoral Sense enables us to perceive immorality and how to enjoy it.

It is easier to stay out than get out.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.

Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul.

"Classic." A book which people praise and don't read.

There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one: keep from telling their happinesses to the unhappy.

Man is the Only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to.

The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession, what there is of it.

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.

When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet deep down in his private heart no man much respects himself.

Nature makes the locust with an appetite for crops; man would have made him with an appetite for sand.

The spirit of wrath -- not the words -- is the sin; and the spirit of wrath is cursing. We begin to swear before we can talk.

The man with a new idea is a Crank until the idea succeeds.

Let us not be too particular. It is better to have old second-hand diamonds than none at all.

The Autocrat of Russia possesses more power than any other man in the earth; but he cannot stop a sneeze.

There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice.

Names are not always what they seem. The common Welsh name Bzjxxllwcp is pronounced Jackson.

To succeed in the other trades, capacity must be shown; in the law, concealment of it will do.

Prosperity is the best protector of principle.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean.

There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."

Each person is born to one possession which outvalues all his others -- his last breath.

Hunger is the handmaid of genius.

The old saw says, "Let a sleeping dog lie." Right. Still, when there is much at stake it is better to get a newspaper to do it.

It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart; the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you.

If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill came always together, who would escape hanging?

Simple rules for saving money: To save half, when you are fired by an eager impulse to contribute to a charity, wait, and count forty. To save three-quarters, count sixty. To save it all, count sixty-five.

Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

He had had much experience of physicians, and said "the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not."

Let me make the superstitions of a nation and I care not who makes its laws or its songs either.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

True irreverence is disrespect for another man's god.

Do not undervalue the headache. While it is at its sharpest it seems a bad investment; but when relief begins, the unexpired remainder is worth $4 a minute.

There are 869 different forms of lying, but only one of them has been squarely forbidden. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.

She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot.

Make it a point to do something every day that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.

Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist but you have ceased to live.

Often, the surest way to convey misinformation is to tell the strict truth.

Satan (impatiently) to New Comer. The trouble with you Chicago people is, that you think you are the best people down here; whereas you are merely the most numerous.

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made School Boards.

There are no people who are quite so vulgar as the over-refined ones.

The principal difference between a cat and a lie is that the cat has only nine lives.

When your watch gets out of order you have choice of two things to do: throw it in the fire or take it to the watch-tinker. The former is the quickest.

In statesmanship get the formalities right, never mind about the moralities.

Every one is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.

First catch your Boer, then kick him.

None of us can have as many virtues as the fountain-pen, or half its cussedness; but we can try.

The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.

There isn't a Parallel of Latitude but thinks it would have been the Equator if it had its rights.

I have traveled more than any one else, and I have noticed that even the angels speak English with an accent."




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The price of gas
went up two pints
over the usual one pint
of blood per gallon.

Without speed pass
I have to make 2 round trips
to pay first and get my change.
What is the price of gas in Mecca?

Usama's Mercedes dies of thirst
from a blown radiator hose.
click...We need to attack Iraq
the bald oilman crows.

The 3rd Reich's mythology
blamed the jews and intelligensia.
The supermen are to be praised
but no archeological proof could be raised.

Out back the grass is overgrown
I step on something that yells
"I am buzz light year"
"To infinity and beyond" were his last words.

New myths are spun on CNN
that few dare call a lie.
As if it depends on what you believe
to make nonsense fly.

Some guy from Indiana said
"after 9-11 I can see NYC
has humans
much like our own".

Government by religion
is quick to kill.
Even our region
has prayers of ill will.

The war fever in Atlanta
is cooled by another
Mariah Carey clone
winning the American Idol.

King to prince
father to son
cleric to God
"an old war has begun".

I have to leave it all behind
for the kids bed time story.
Maybe something from Dr. Seuss...
Old war, wild war, cold war, bio war...

I think God could use some advice.
He needs answers too.
I'm sure you'll grant he has free will
giving his experiments multiple outcomes.

If all you get are questions
and requests
you're bound to get
pissed off too.

I wish the kids would sleep
perchance to dream
meanwhile the small print
on MSNBC is a scream.

Now whats on
the Histrionic channel?
The Germans fall in line
behind a liar.

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I get by with a little help
from Depends.
At least the dumbmercials
are getting better.