Definition of a lawyer: someone who gets what's coming to you.

Q: A lawyer was thrown overboard in water full of man eating sharks, but he swam to shore safely. How? A: Professional courtesy.

God and the Devil were having a dispute about the boundary between Heaven and Hell. The Devil said, "I'll have my chief counsel draft a legal agreement and send it to you in 30 days. You have 30 days in which to respond." God received the document, and 30 days later, he sent the Devil a message. "Sorry. I can not reply within 30 days. I am unable to locate an atterney."

This one is true. The Folger Shakespeare Library in Washington DC sells cards, pens, T shirts, and sweatshirts with quotes from Shakespeare on them. My favorite is "First thing we'll do, we'll kill all the lawyers." The staff there says that items with this quote sell the fastest of any they carry, and it's hard to keep them in stock.