Whenever I get a package of Smarties, I make it my duty to continue testing the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.

To this end, I hold Smartie duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red Smarties are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue Smarties as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one Smartie... the strongest of the herd. No snacking on this one; it has earned its place of honour and must be treated accordingly. I pack this Monarch of the Glen neatly in an envelope and send it to Nestlé Headquarters, Avenue Nestlé 55, 1800 Vevey, Switzerland, along with a 3x5 card reading:

"Please use this Smartie for breeding purposes."

This week, they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of Smarties. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds of pretenders, we will winnow out the True Champion.

"There can be only One!"

-author mostly unknown