We had a Home Economics teacher at school who must have had Max Miller as a scriptwriter. Two gems that I remember:

"Now next week we're going to be working with felt, which means you need to get your mums and dads to buy you some. I find the best place to get felt is the shop on the High Street."

Lacing a rather buxom sixth form girl into her bodice for the school play "Oh dear, I'll have let this out. It's a bit of a tit fight... erm, tight fit, isn't it?"

She was also responsible for, while trying to control a rather rowdy class, "Every time I open my mouth, some idiot speaks!"