This is something of a specialty of mine. Try the two below.

IN POSSESSION OF THE TOOL TO DO THE JOB.

1). Now, to look at Ernie Hook, you'd never take him for a crook,
And it's true; he's never broken any law,
But poor Ernie came a cropper, when an enterprising copper,
Caught him out, and now he's not an honest citizen, no more,
For it seems he had a break-in, and the copper was just makin'
Out a list of all the gear the burglar took,
In the shed he found a still, and poor old Ernie felt quite ill,
He cried out "I never used it", and the copper said "Now look,

CHORUS: "In possession of the tool to do the job,
You're in possession of the tool to do the job.
You can't be innocent, you see, if, when picked up, you're found to be
In possession of the tool to do the job."

2). So Ernie said "Before yer get a statement, call me lawyer,"
His solicitor was happy to attend,
After Ernie'd paid him double, he said "Tell me, what's the trouble?"
And when Ernie'd told his story, the lawyer said "My friend,
You don't have a leg to stand on, and all hope you should abandon,
Of securing an acquittal on the day.
You did have the apparatus, and that must affect your status,
A plea in mitigation is your only chance, I'd say." CHORUS

3). They committed him for trial, and he made a strong denial.
He tried hard to put across his point of view.
He said "Sir, I've never used it, and as for making booze, it
Is a thing, your honour, I would never want to do."
Well, the judge deliberated, and finally he stated,
"Prisoner rise, and then my judgement I'll commence.
You have no defence in law, and I must convict you, for
Just having the equipment is a criminal offence." CHORUS

4). "Now, before you're put away, have you anything to say?
You've the right to make a plea in mitigation."
Ernie said "Now is the time, to confess me life of crime,
And offer two more cases for the court's consideration:
An assault upon the person of an unsuspecting nun,
And flashing at some pretty girls as well."
The judge said, with a glare, "Come tell me when and where?"
And Ernie answered, "Well it hasn't happened yet, BUT WHAT THE HELL!"

CHORUS: "In possession of the tool to do the job,
I'm in possession of the tool to do the job.
I can't be innocent you see, if, when picked up, I'm found to be
In possession of the tool to do the job.
"IN POSSESSION OF THE TOOL TO DO THE JOB."

© Don Thompson December 1998


TWO POLICEMEN RODE OUT.

1). Two policemen rode out in their panda one night,
On the lookout for villains and vandals,
Orange stripes on the sides, positioned just right,
Showed them both where to find the door handles,
Through street after street these two limbs of the law
Stopped all who aroused their suspicions,
And between times, while driving, they showed respect for,
The road, and the weather, conditions.

2). As they made their way down a dark country lane,
The headlights revealed a parked Roller,
And beside it, relieving himself 'gainst a tree,
A portly old gent, in a Bowler.
"Aha", said the sergeant. "We'd better find out
If this rich old devil's been drinking.
From the way that he's swaying, there's really no doubt.
This'll add to our tally, I'm thinking".

3). So they screeched to a halt, and jumped out of the car,
Crying "Allo, and what's all this 'ere?
Stand still while we ascertain whether you are
The worse for the wine or the beer.
Come blow into this till I tell you to stop.
Keep blowing—keep blowing—O.K. then.
Oh look, a red light! Now, well that's a fair cop.
Oh, we're going to take you away then.

4). You're under the influence, under arrest,
And you're coming with us to the station.
So, really, I think it would be for the best
If you show us your documentation."
The old man looked puzzled, and said "Dearie me,
I don't know what I had to blow for,
But my licence, insurance, and my M.O.T.,
Are there, in the car, with my chauffeur".

© Don Thompson April 1999.


All my own work. Sorry if the line breaks don't come out right.

Don T.