I was attacked by a wild haggis over the weekend. I barely escaped with my life! Fortunately, I was hiking along with Alex MacCushla (THE MacCushla, hereditary and titular head of the Idaho Sept) and he whipped out a set of pipes and a bottle of Drambuie faster'n you can say "Cha d'fhag claidheamh Fhinn riamh fuigheall beuma." He threw the Drambuie at the haggis, which snagged it with a pseudopod and emptied into its mouth full of jagged, yellow teeth (haggis have yellow teeth from chewing tobacco). As the haggis was downing the drink, Alex began piping "Johnny Cope." The haggis dropped me at the third note and came to a rigid attention, just as if it were in some Highland Regiment. I, of course, ran like hell; Alex segued into a lullabye and after the haggis was snoring beat feet outa there.