Headstone:"Here lies McPherson, a kind considerate gentleman and a generous, loving father"
Irish visitor;"Trust dem Scotsmen to bury three men in de one hole!!"

Digging Jock out of a snowdrift:" Are ye doon there Mister MacMab??"
"Aye---wha's that?"
"It's the Red Cross rescue crew!"
"Bugger off---I bought a flag last year!"

Auld Hamish was lying at death's door in the wee room behind the family grocer's. Tam, his eldest, was at the bedside. So were Wullie and Cameron, his other two sons.
"Whispers;"Are ye there Hamish?"
"Aye Faither---"
"You too Wullie?"
"Aye Faither---"
"And you Cameron?"
'Aye Faither---"
"AN' WHA THE HELL'S LOOKIN' EFTER THE SHOAP?!!?"

The train from London to Glasgow was emptying it's [dejected as usual] football fans after a defeat at Wembley. Tam's wife met him on the platform.
"Good game Tam?"
"Aye Maisie, but we had a bit o' excitement on the wey hame; an Englishman was kill't by the train just ayont Carlisle"
"Aw!--that was a bit rough!"
"Aye--it was so! The driver had tae cross a field tae get 'im !"