"...Yes, your bum does look big in that."
"...No, that dress really doesn't suit you; it's meant for someone ten years younger and two sizes smaller."
"...Your mother coming to stay? Over my dead body!"
"...You are to singing what Douglas Bader was to tap-dancing. Why not take up the shaky egg instead?"
"..Actually, I thought that song was crap when I heard it sung by a professional. Now I've heard it murdered by an amateur, I know it's crap."

*sigh* Always wondered why I was turned down by the Diplomatic Corps.